Jul 127 min read

Unconsciously Refusing to Grow: From Entitled to Enlightened

I've been finding it a challenge to put into words what's been on my heart and mind over the past few weeks, and truly, over the past few years. The intense emotions and nudging of my soul were heightened by the Torah Portion of Shlach Lecha ("send for yourself"), specifically the meditation and contemplation on "the sin of the spies."

After all they experienced in the desert, how could they bring back such a report that would delay entry into the Land of Israel for 40 years?

I wanted to write about this only to realize I had already done it last year in Why Wait?. I’ll spare you (and myself) the lengthy background leading up to what is labeled a “mistake.” In short, after leaving Egypt, where the Jewish people...

Perhaps we can take from the saying, “the question itself is the answer.” The question asked—After all they experienced in the desert, how could they bring back such a report?—is really answered within its preface: all they experienced in the desert. The Jewish people were surrounded by G-dliness and miracles, which became familiar to them, especially the spies who were the leaders of the people. They understood G-dliness and enjoyed learning the Torah perhaps more than others. Nevertheless, when it came time to change by entering the Holy Land, they produced a “bad” report.

In exploring this thought, I discovered a Facebook post by Hebrew Today, which explains that the root of the word for spies in Hebrew, Meraglim, is Regel (foot). It shares roots with the words Hergelim (habits) and Ragil (accustomed), as well as Mitragel (someone getting used to new things). A habit is a redundant set of automatic unconscious thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that develop through repetition. The Meraglim became accustomed and habituated to G-dliness in the desert. They (subconsciously) couldn’t imagine or accept the idea of leaving the desert, leaving Moshe Rebbeinu (Moses our Teacher), and bearing responsibility by having to work the land. In other words, it may be possible to say they were afraid of change, maturing, and accepting responsibility. As Hebrew Today shares, “A spy traces and follows our footsteps and our habits.”

Parshas Sh’lach Lecha: Two Types of Fear

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks (Alav ha-shalom - may peace be upon him), in his commentary on Parshas Sh’lach Lecha, explores two types of fear: the fear of failure and the fear of success. The leaders of Israel, holy as they were, faced a holy mistake. They feared the unknown challenges of entering the Promised Land and believed staying in the desert, a place of spiritual purity and Divine Presence, was preferable. This mistake was rooted in a fear of success, the anxiety that comes with achieving something great and the responsibilities it entails.

Fear of Success

Fear of success is a real and often overlooked phenomenon. According to Calmer You, this fear can manifest as self-sabotage, procrastination, and a reluctance to set and achieve goals. It is driven by the discomfort of stepping into a new identity and the pressure to maintain it. The Jewish leaders' hesitation to enter the Promised Land was not just a fear of potential failure but a profound fear of success and the change it would bring.

The Journey Through the Desert

The ultimate purpose for the Jewish people was and is to enter the Land of Israel and refine the world. However, the journey through the desert was a necessary phase. It was a time of preparation, learning, and spiritual growth. The desert represents a state of transition, a place where old identities are shed, and new ones are formed. The mistake of the leaders was in seeing the desert as a final destination rather than a pathway to their true purpose.

The Scary Truth - Internalizing the Lesson

As it’s taught in the Hayom Yom of the 2nd day of Cheshvan, “we must live with the Torah portion of the week and, more specifically, of the current day.” In internalizing this parsha, I realized that I too felt and feel the “fears of success” that come around transitioning from Yeshiva (the Desert) and out of the classes by my Rabbi, and into designing my own seder (schedule), making parnassa (livelihood, money), and marriage (G-d willing soon), my Holy Land. The former has included in many ways what the desert included—meals, room, a teacher who embodies what he teaches. And yet, G-d has been nudging me, as He did for the Jewish people then and does now, to become empowered and responsible, and lean into the spark of G-d within each person, which is “literally a part of G‑d above” (Tanya, chapter 2).

Accordingly, the nefesh habahamis (animal soul) and yetzer hara (ego/evil inclination) do whatever they can to keep a person from changing. As mentioned above, one method being the fear of success, a very “holy” mistake by the spies. Understanding this—that the animal soul does whatever it can to keep a person in the familiar emotions of the past—reveals a scary truth. This can and does include, unfortunately, holy matters; as mentioned on Shabbos of Parshas Shlach Lecha in the Hayom Yom on Sivan 23:

The yetzer hara (the evil impulse) is called "animal soul," not because it is necessarily a brute animal. At times it may be a fox, the most cunning of beasts, and great wisdom is needed to perceive its machinations. At other times it may clothe itself in the garb of an earnest, straightforward, humble tzadik, possessing fine traits of character… Until then I had not known that there can be a "pious" animal soul, let alone a "chassidic" animal soul.

Exiting and Entering Fully

In my blog post “How to Enter Fully”, I discussed the importance of committing wholeheartedly to yeshiva. The challenge lies not just in beginning but in remaining fully present throughout the process. We often carry with us the baggage of past experiences, fears, and doubts, which makes it hard to exit old habits—even “holy” ones—and enter new ones with a full heart.

Adjusting my priorities to making parnassa and getting married, entering the Holy Land, brought to rise this “pious” animal soul. With the intention to organize time towards these ends, as well as continue growing with learning Torah, I had been accustomed to a set schedule. For example, as mentioned in Breaking Boundaries: Lessons from Passover and Rollercoaster Rides, learning in class at 8 am, praying at 9:30 pm, a class given on Gemara from 12-1:30 pm, and so on. This had become so familiar that the thought of not doing that brought to rise resistance and fear. When I learned with a partner in the morning, I felt, ‘how could I be doing this when there’s a better class available,’ and at a time, I didn’t even feel safe without it. Recently realizing I don’t have to learn a subject at a certain time. It may seem strange, but the feelings in my body were visceral. Thank G-d, I caught the yetzer hara clothed, “in the garb of an earnest, straightforward, humble tzadik.”

Unconsciously Refusing to Grow

We often find ourselves in a paradoxical state where the desire to grow is met with an equally strong resistance to change. This resistance can be unconscious, a force working below the surface that keeps us from fully entering into new phases of life. It’s as difficult to exit old patterns as it is to enter fully into new experiences. The transition from the Desert to the Holy Land can be seen as the journey from entitlement to enlightenment. Understanding and overcoming this resistance is crucial.

Empowerment Through Schedule

In our adult lives, creating our own seder, or schedule, is an empowering act. It’s a declaration that we are in control of our time and our growth. By setting our own schedule, we create a framework within which we can pursue our goals and overcome resistance. It allows us to consciously choose how we spend our time and energy, making it easier to commit fully to new ventures. Perhaps another perspective on the spies: they could not imagine how they would manage “working the land,” transitioning from a state beyond time into seder, time management, where things won’t automatically get done and distractions are plentiful. To ensure things get done, it’s highly recommended to schedule them in the calendar.

Fear of Change

As mentioned above, the nefesh habahamis, or animal soul, resists change. It seeks comfort and stability, shying away from anything that disrupts the status quo. This resistance is a natural part of our psyche, but it can be overcome. By recognizing this fear and addressing it directly, we can begin to move past it. Change is uncomfortable, but it is also necessary for growth. To change, we must execute a will greater than the programs and habits of the body.

From Entitled to Enlightened

Moving from an entitled mindset to an enlightened one involves embracing change and the challenges that come with it. It requires a shift in perspective, seeing resistance not as a barrier but as a sign that we are on the path to growth. By understanding the fears that hold us back and taking conscious steps to overcome them, we can fully enter into new phases of our lives with confidence and clarity.

In conclusion, the journey from entitled to enlightened is about recognizing and overcoming unconscious resistance to growth. It’s about committing fully to new experiences, understanding the fears that hold us back, and taking control of our time and energy. By doing so, we can move from a state of resistance to one of openness and growth, fully embracing the possibilities that lie ahead.

Practical Takeaways

There are various priorities to take care of daily, weekly, and so on. Balance won’t come unless it is scheduled in the calendar. I have found it helpful to even schedule 20 minutes to respond to messages, preferably in the evening, as it takes less brainpower to do. Also, with a full learning schedule Sunday through Thursday, making time on Fridays for writing and creative activities that require more than 30 or even 60 minutes.
Since this parsha, I have learned to get out of the have-to mindset that sometimes arises after familiarity with a routine. Taking a little breather and reminding oneself, or even experimenting to see that I don’t need it and will be well without it, can help return to it in a healthier and lighter way. It could be that the seder doesn’t need to change. Rather, the approach to it must improve.
Entering the Holy Land still includes Desert-aspects. The Jewish people had to leave the desert but not leave the G-dliness and Torah. The purpose is to bring the Torah into the Land.
If you take note of what you do every 15, 30, or 60 minutes, you can see what your priorities are based on your actions. If your schedule does not reflect your true intentions and priorities, reset or adjust them. Then, schedule your activities based on what is most important.